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Don't look up, the sky is falling... [entries|friends|calendar]
cold comfort of the in between

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[17 Mar 2006|12:13am]
I've switched my journal to adieumoncoeur.
Up on the 101

[21 Jun 2005|09:30pm]
retrodolls
5 Things you said that day| Up on the 101

[13 Jun 2005|02:53pm]
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1 Things you said that day| Up on the 101

Dear Prudence, the sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you... [10 Feb 2005|10:32pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Friends Only


Comment to be added.
15 Things you said that day| Up on the 101

Hide your soft skin, your sorrow is sunshine, listen to my eyes... [18 Jan 2005|09:48pm]
[ mood | blah ]

To do list:

1. Make myself look pretty
2. Make money
3. Finish watching The Lion in Winter
4. Find a way to make all my different friendships work
5. Don't lose friends anymore
6. Finish both Shakespeare essays
7. Read Thucydites and do the essay
8. Balance all of that
9. Make a good friend besides Jean

3 Things you said that day| Up on the 101

So glad to meet you, angeles... [18 Jan 2005|07:43pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

My brother has some sort of cough. I really hate it when someone around me, expecially in my house, especially my brother, is sick. I get all nervous and sweaty all the time. And I can't leave my room because I'm afraid that I'll get all... I dunno. And everytime he coughs I feel nauseaus and dizzy and I start to shake and my throat closes up. Everytime I sit down on the couch or something where he's been I have to go shower. I really hate that I percieve things so weird. My dad doesn't get it and says I'm being insensitive, but it's not like I can help it. I just sat there shaking and crying until I couldn't take it anymore and then I came upstairs. It's realy scary to feel that way though. To feel like I'm going to get sick and die.

I really hate how everything is so screwed up for me. Once in the 5th grade and once in the 7th or 8th I had some OCD thing where I pulled out my hair. In the 5th grade I looked like I was old and starting to bald. That's how bad it was. And I have depression. And anxiety. And I just wish that I was normal. But all this stuff makes me feel all nervous and choky.

I didn't eat today. I couldn't. Everytime I tried I just felt sick and this really horrible feeling like I was dizzy and my stomach was trying to run away. And our fucking cleaning lady moves stuff where I don't want it to be. And then I can't find it. And my printer is out of ink, so I can't print my reports, all fucking 3 of them, by thursday. I don't know what I'm going to do. And everything with school and friends and drama is all really messy.

4 Things you said that day| Up on the 101

If I could only get you oceanside... [17 Jan 2005|08:17pm]
[ mood | listless ]

I had a bitter-sweet day today. I woke up around 11:30 and got dressed. Jean came over and we hung out for a bit. She read over part of my script. Then her mom came around 1:30 and we picked up Alina and Eliza. Then we met Andrew and Chris at the mall. We went into some stores and I bought and Elliott Smith record. I want to have my own record collection. CDs are so... eh... records are better. Then we went to see In Good Company. It was really bad. Eliza left towards the end of it. Then we went to the food court and talked about stuff.

It was really fun. When we were walking around, being "us" and just talking and everything, I just felt really cool. I was with my friends at the mall, but this time I wasn't the little kid being dragged there with my mom. Or the pre-teen kid walking around with Jean acting like we were so cool. I was a teenager. I was there with my friends and it seemed to fit. I didn't worry the entire time what people were thinking about me, or us. Even when we saw a bunch of Schechter people it was cool.

When we were sitting around talking about stuff, and people we didn't like, I couldn't help thinking that later when they were with other people, they would be talking about me. Which made me think about who my friends really are. And I came to the conclusion that no one is really my friend if I think that way. Then we were talking about the most attractive guys/girls in our school. I didn't say much because Chris is friends with Tim, and so telling Chris about my being totally in love with his friend would be odd. Very odd. Especially since Tim is with Molly, which is pretty much why I don't say much or think about him so much anymore. Makes me angry.

Then towards the end of the night, around sevenish Jean started acting really... eh. Like, Chris is a really great guy and she got so pissed at him for liking some girl other than Jean after Jean told him she didn't want a boyfriend. I mean, it's like she has to have everything perfect. Everything right for Jean. And life doesn't work that way.

Then I got home and my dad was really pissed because I didn't leave a message saying we were at the mall, or when we would be back. I told my brother, but he told my parents I didn't. So now I'm in trouble of some sort.



You tested your metal of doe's skin and petal while kissing the lipless who bleed all the sweetness away.

Up on the 101

And in that moment I swear we were infinite... [16 Jan 2005|04:17pm]
[ mood | finally done ]

I started typing as soon as I woke up today, and I just finished the entire script. It's 47 pages long. I'm so happy that I finished it.



I could make you satisfied in everything you do
all your 'secret wishes' could right now be coming true
and be forever with my poison arms around you
no one's gonna fool around with us
no one's gonna fool around with us
so glad to meet you
angeles

-Elliott Smith

Up on the 101

The joy is not the same without the pain... [15 Jan 2005|10:35pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

I started writing a script for The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I went and bought the book at 5:30 and have been working on it since then. That would be about 5 hours. I didn't stop the entire time, I just kept writing. Like I was living it. I have to say that the dialogue Chbosky made up is much better than mine, but if someone never read the book they probably wouldn't be able to tell when I had to make stuff up. I don't know why I'm writing it. It wouldn't work as a play unless I cut a lot of stuff out (and I've cut enough). I kept certain parts of the entry and made them monologues or used the words for the dialogue. I don't think there are enough good actors that I know of for it to be a movie. I guess I'm just writing it for me.

I have written script for the first half of it. I will probably finish it rather quickly, it will suck, but I guess that doesn't matter if it's never going to do anything. I know that I'm not going to be able to do my Cary or Erin work until I finish. Which is giving me that *throat closing up about to panic feeling* In fact I feel it starting right now.

I have to stop talking, but I can't. I have something else to say.

During vocal performance we were talking about drugs and stuff. I don't know why. And Lydia was saying how last year at her visiting week was the first time she got high. And Nigel was talking about when he had the munchies and ate an entire box of nutra-grain bars. And then I said that I never have gotten high and that I don't plan on doing so. Then they started saying how that was good and that being stoned isn't as good as people make it out to be. And it just pissed me off, because I felt like they thought of me as a little kid who had never done anything, and not a thinking person who made a choice on her own.

One time when I was 10 or 11, it was at camp, and we were talking about how far we had gotten. I don't remember if I had even kissed someone at the time. And they were all talking about 2nd or third base. (French, feel, finger, fuck, was the standard.) And I felt so small, so silly and young. And they called me a prude and I felt really crappy. I didn't want to just do something for the sake of doing it, I wanted to come to a decision on my own terms.

And it feels kind of like that. Me not smoking pot has nothing to do with my age or what I've been exposed to. It has to do with the fact that I don't feel the need to do drugs. Or maybe the fear that I'll like it too much and won't be able to stop doing drugs. I just want to get through my life as simply as possible.

There's so much I want to do right now. I want to pass the comps. I want to do well in school. I want to make new friends and have a romantic relationship. I want my parents to be happy I'm here and not resent me. I want myself to be happy. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and be happy I'm alive. I don't want to have all this stuff in my life that makes me such a bad person to everyone around me. And I don't want to add any more to that.







Give me your hand
And take what you will tonight, I'll give it as fast
And high as the flame will rise
Cinder and smoke
Some whispers around the trees
The juniper bends
As if you were listening

-Iron and Wine

2 Things you said that day| Up on the 101

Much like suffocating... [12 Jan 2005|10:42pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Wish you gave me a number
Wish I could call you today,
Just to hear a voice.
I got a long way to go
Getting further away.

If I didn’t know the difference,
Living alone would probably be ok.
It wouldn’t be lonely.
I got a long way to go
Getting further away.

A lot of hours to occupy it was easy
When I didn’t know you yet,
Things I’d have to forget.

But I better be quiet now,
I’m tired of wasting my breath
Carrying on, getting upset.


Maybe I have a problem,
But thats not what I wanted to say.

I prefer to say nothing.
I got a long way to go
Getting further away.

Had a dream as an army man with an order
Just to march in my place
But a dead enemy
Screams in my face

But I better be quiet now,
I’m tired of wasting my breath
Carrying on, not over it yet.


Wish I knew what you were doing.
Why you want to do it this way.
So I can’t go the distance,
I got a long way to go,
I’m getting further away.
I got a long way to go
Getting further away.


-Elliott Smith

Up on the 101

And secretly I want to bury in the yard the gray remains of a friendship scarred... [12 Jan 2005|06:35pm]
[ mood | eh ]

I've been feeling really down lately. And I really hate myself right now. I just pretend people like Chris and Andrew and Matt and Lydia are my friends when I know they aren't, just so I don't have to face my real friends. I just feel like I'm trapping myself inside of all these hollow relationships. I can't tell anymore who my real friends are. I just feel really odd around Lily and Jenn and Taylor, I know I shouldn't, but I do. I come home everyday and do homework, that's what my life consists of. I've gotten so good at acting happy and grounded, and at the same time so bad at really feeling it. I never eat anymore, I just don't have the desire to. Like some internal thought that maybe I should let myself wither away. How a person can live on so little of anything, even food. My dad thinks I'm anorexic or something (which I'm not - I just don't can't eat) so I ate an orange when I got home. I stopped adding friends for myspace because I felt like I was trying to replace my lack of real friends with an overabundance of virtual ones. And there's always this underlying thought I have that people might take me seriously if I was prettier, or if I looked older, or both.

I feel like I have no control over my life. Like everything just happens. I do whatever my parents and friends and teachers say. I do all this work for my classes, and I put up with all this crap for my parents. I have to do all this Jewish stuff, and be a good student. There's so much pressure. And then there's the stuff that I don't even know if I do for myself anymore, the art and the guitar and everything. I don't know what I want anymore... It's so hard to please everybody. To act happy and stable when I'm not, and I think people know it but don't say anything.




now my door has swollen from the rain
god knows we'll never see her face again
people get shattered in many ways
they can disappoint you
if you see through their perfect smile

-camera obscura

1 Things you said that day| Up on the 101

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone... [11 Jan 2005|11:12pm]
[ mood | upset ]

FUCK.

I'm missing my case of CDs. There were about 30 in there. And they aren't in my room or my car or my bag or anything. And I probably left them at school, which means they were probably stolen. And just thinking about hwo each CD cost me $10-$15 makes my stomach turn into knots. That's over $300, I can't fucking even think about replacing all of my CDs. They were way more to me than just material possessions, more than little pieces of plastic. They're these wonderful sounds that bring out all kinds of emotions and they have become a part of me, a part of who I am. And just thinking about how easy it was to lose something that important to me is really really scary.

Up on the 101

Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up, I guess we'll just have to adjust... [10 Jan 2005|09:09pm]
[ mood | blah ]

It's all back. Again. That quickly. And it's a lot worse than usual. All that I ate today were some of the cookies Lydia gave me and soup. I'm probably going to die of eating only unhealthy foods. I just don't really have an appetite. Like, if I don't eat, I might just wither away, slowly. And I love my friends and all, but lately they just seem really naive. Like I'm older or wiser, or have more perspective, even though I know I don't. I thought that after last week things might be different, but it's all just snapped back to this routine sort of life. Just doing the same thing every day. I go to school, I get work, I do my work, I get good grades in hopes that I might get into a good college. Then I'll go to college, then I'll eventually graduate. I'll find some sort of job, and then what? It just keeps going, nothing changes. It's all so bleak.

I feel really distant from everyone right now. I feel like Taylor doesn't like me anymore, like he doesn't want to talk to me unless he has to. And I feel really odd around my friends, like I can't relate to them anymore...

I don't really see the point in posting anymore. It doesn't get stuff out like it used to. It's all still here. And no one reads it anyway.




Excuse me too busy
Writing your your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So let go, jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for
It's alright
Because there's beauty in the breakdown

-Frou Frou

Up on the 101

Get fucking ready... brace and break the quiet... [09 Jan 2005|09:43pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I don't wanna talk about it. And I don't think I can.


I think you caught me on the downslide, downturn
I was busy writing with a pen and paper thin dream
And all your plastic people with plastic hearts and smiles
They had the worst intentions all along after all...

I'm definitely shaking
The silence isn't breaking
Backwashed and stranded memories
Of something I thought could be

-Death Cab For Cutie

Up on the 101

You and me were never meant to be part of the future, all we have is now... [09 Jan 2005|08:30pm]
[ mood | still crappy ]

Name:
Age:
Where do you hail from:
current obsession:
Any wishes(randomness is a-ok):
Favourite quote:
Tv show(s):
Movie(s):
Pet Peeve(s):
FAVOURITE thing(s) to do:
What makes you happy:
Say anything you want (if you want):

Recommend to me:
1. A movie
2. A book
3. A musical artist, song, or album
4. A LiveJournal user not on my friends list
5. What I should have for dinner
6. A website
7. A Quote
8. A plan for the weekend.
9. Something you want to know about me

1. Tell me something obvious about you.
2. Tell me something about you that many don't know.
3. What is your biggest fear?
4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?
5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money.
6. What is your most treasured possession?
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often?
8. Tell me something sexually about you that I don't know.
9. Tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows.
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
11. Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again.
12. Are you the jealous type?
13. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to?
14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
16. When was the last time you cried?
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
19. Name something embarrassing you did while being drunk.
20. If you post this in your journal would you like me to answer it?

3 Things you said that day| Up on the 101

Oh my, nothing else could have been done... [09 Jan 2005|06:56pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

I don't even know what to do anymore. I've been doing crunches compulsively for the past few weeks (up to 200 at a time) and I still look exactly the same. And then I ate dinner tonight even though I had no appetite. And I just felt so gross. So then I thought that if I threw up it would go away. So I stuck my fingers inside my throat and gagged, but I couldn't throw up. And I feel like that every time I eat anything. I just wish that none of that was ever a problem for me. That I didn't feel the need to not eat for days, or the need to throw up whenever I eat something. Just this gross disgusted feeling. Everytime I eat, everytime I look at a photo of myself or into the mirror, everytime I see my disgusting family just shoveling food into their faces. It's so gross. I just can't bring myself to eat anymore. Ahhh it's so gross. And I just feel like crap all the time. And right now I feel like I don't know. I don't really feel anything. I'm unhappy, but I don't really feel sad...just...bad.






I'm standing up the morning after
Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
And I could be another fool or an exception to the rule
You tell me the morning after
Crooked spin can't come to rest
I'm damaged bad at best
I'll probably be the last to know
No one says until it shows and you see how it is
They want you or they don't


-Elliott Smith

Up on the 101

And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old... [09 Jan 2005|05:11pm]
[ mood | bored ]

So, I typed out a whole entry. But then my internet died. Go fucking figure. I just talked about hwo stupid it was that myspace people like me because I took a good picture, and not because of who I am. And then I bought tickets last night for The Arcade Fire. Then I typed out my playlist, but I'm not going to go through that again. I'll just list some of the artists on it.

Badly Drawn Boy
Elliott Smith
Camera Obscura
The Arcade Fire
The Thermals
The Decemberists
Neutral Milk Hotel
Jem
The Polyphonic Spree
The Beatles
Earlimart
The Long Winters
The Killers
Blind Melon
The Shins
The Proclaimers
Modest Mouse
Death Cab For Cutie
The Flaming Lips
Electrelane
Norfolk and Western
Belle and Sebastian


We don't have to try
We can turn bad luck into a bad joke
We don't have to sing
We can turn a sad string into a long dream
We don't have to bleed
We can just repeat
When we are alone

-The Thermals

Up on the 101

He made his life a lie so he might never have to know anyone... [08 Jan 2005|02:43pm]
[ mood | okay ]

I got a myspace. Here's the url:
http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=7349410&Mytoken=20050107203723



I knew that he'd never forget her
while her memory worked in reverse
to keep her safe from herself
and oh my, nothing else could've been done
she made her life a lie
so she might never have to know anyone
made her life the lie you know
what I used to be will pass away and then you'll see
that all I want now is happiness for you and me

-Elliott Smith

I may like that song even more than Fond Farewell. Or maybe not.

Up on the 101

I would walk 500 miles, then I'd walk 500 more... [07 Jan 2005|05:41pm]
[ mood | full (but not the food kind) ]

Lydia lent me a really cool movie called Benny and Joon. It was quite wonderful. I may have accidentally fallen in love with Johnny Depp's character. He was just so sweet and wore these perfect clothes that looked really old fashioned, from around the 1940s I suppose. And of course he was incredibly wonderful looking because he is played by a young Johnny Depp.


Sam: You don't like raisins?
Joon: Not really.
Sam: Why?
Joon: They used to be fat and juicy and now they're twisted. They had their lives stolen. Well, they taste sweet, but really they're just humiliated grapes. I can't say I am a big supporter of the raisin council.
Sam: Did you see those, those raisins on TV? The ones that sing and dance and stuff?
Joon: They scare me.
Sam: Yeah me too.


I very much liked that part... Don't ask me why.

title or description



title or description



title or description



My true love... *sigh*


(yes I'm crazy enough to google the movie and find all those pictures)

Up on the 101

Words aren't even traces yet, you'll count on patience gone... [07 Jan 2005|02:57pm]
[ mood | ...and the infinite sadness ]

Today in health class we watched a movie about anorexia nervosa. People prone to it have too many serabelum (I think that's what they're called). Too many serabelum in your body can also cause anxiety, other eating disorders, self-mutilation (I really hate that word *shudders*) type behaviors, and perfectionism. The movie kind of freaked me out because I really don't want to have anything else wrong with me. So when I came home I tried to eat, but it just made me feel really sick. And it's not like I starve myself or anything, I just might eat very little or just not eat for a few days and then go back to eating 2-3 meals a day. So I don't see why I should be worried. But I guess I was. And then I got kind of shaky and uncomfortable after the movie, so I just dug my nails into my arm and toughed it out. On the bright side I passed the math comp today. Well, I took the last section. And I'm almost positive that I passed it.

Walking home today was rather unpleasant because most of the sidewalks I have to walk on weren't shoveled. And I've been feeling really vulnerable lately. Like everyone can see right through me and just see everything about me and I can't hide behind anything anymore. And it's really scary to no have anything left to hide. And as though by wearing tights and sweatshirts and hats and ponchos I can have something to hide behind, when really I don't have anything.

Today was a listen day in vocal performance, and I played The Shining. It is my favorite song in the whole world. Just every note, every word, every instrument, every string and chord on the guitar, it all just fits. And every moment of the song I'm in this pure ecstasy, like nothing else exists besides this beautiful music.

Up on the 101

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